The Scroll
A Periodic newsletter
for SAM's Lambs
http://www.samslambs.org

Why God Will Never Get Tenure at Any University

1. Only published one book.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. He did not publish it in referenced journals.
5. Some doubt He even wrote it Himself.
6. He is not known for his cooperative work.
7. Sure. He created the world, but what has He done lately?
8. He did not get permission from any review board to work on human subjects.
9. When one of His experiments went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning all the subjects.
10. When sample subjects do not behave as predicted, He deletes the whole sample.
11. He rarely comes to class. He just tells His students to read the Book.
12. It is rumored that He sometimes lets His Son teach the class.
13. Although He only has 10 requirements, His students often fail His tests.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

(From faculty members at Kansas State University and instructors at Allen County Community College)

Internet References:

Singles in the Church: Is There Seating For One In The Church?

Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Who.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and forget why you're there.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners.

Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3.The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

4. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

5. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to the Mall.

Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes & you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy & your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN - Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN - You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN - You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN - "Getting a little action" means there's no need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN - "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN - An "all-nighter" means not getting up to go to the bathroom.