The Scroll
A Periodic newsletter
for SAM's Lambs
http://www.samslambs.org

Why God Will Never Get Tenure at Any University

1. Only published one book.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. He did not publish it in referenced journals.
5. Some doubt He even wrote it Himself.
6. He is not known for his cooperative work.
7. Sure. He created the world, but what has He done lately?
8. He did not get permission from any review board to work on human subjects.
9. When one of His experiments went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning all the subjects.
10. When sample subjects do not behave as predicted, He deletes the whole sample.
11. He rarely comes to class. He just tells His students to read the Book.
12. It is rumored that He sometimes lets His Son teach the class.
13. Although He only has 10 requirements, His students often fail His tests.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

(From faculty members at Kansas State University and instructors at Allen County Community College)

Internet References:

Singles in the Church: Is There Seating For One In The Church?

There were four country churches in a small town;

A Presbyterian church,

A Methodist church,

A Southern Baptist church, and

A Catholic church.

Each church was experiencing the same problem. They were all over-run with bothersome squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterians called a meeting to decide what they should do about the squirrels. After several hours of prayer and soul-searching they arrived at the conclusion that the squirrels had been put there for a reason, predestined from above. They thought that interfering with them would be in direct conflict with God's divine will. Obviously, a course of action none of them were eager to pursue.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they could not, in good conscience, cause harm to any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside oftown. But three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Baptist church decided to have a squirrel roast and sent out their parish hunters to rid the area of the furry troublemakers. They made $1575 on the dinner. Not all the quarry was eliminated, however, so they decided to make the squirrel roast an annual event. (I wonder if they called it the Holy Ghost Squirrel Roast... Hmm.)

It was the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution, though. They baptized the squirrels, registered them as members of the church, and gave them envelopes. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.